My self-worth is tied very closely to my idea of myself as a writer. I may have talked about this in a previous blog post, but I came to the realisation this past year. I have been suffering – for lack of a better word – because I have opened myself up to critique and rejection.

When I wasn’t writing, when I was hiding, I could be a writer in my head and it was safe. But starting my MA and entering my writing into journals and magazines and contests has made me very vulnerable. All my life I have shied away from rejection and criticism. It hurts me in a way that can often feel physical. I know in part that this is due to my ADHD, or at least other people with ADHD relate to the feeling of pain very closely.

This month especially was harsh for me. I didn’t do as well as I wished to in my MA assignment, and I got something like 10 rejections in two days. This all seemed to happen at once, and I can admit that I spiralled for a while there. I cried. But I didn’t react as badly as I had the previous time, nor the time before that. I am, in my own way, growing more resilient. It still hurts, I imagine it never goes away, but the ADHD meltdown did not happen.

I also rallied much quicker. I wrote a few short pieces only a few days later. And I’m back to submitting again. So, fingers crossed for me.

We’re back to school next week, which means this week is a hectic mix of lesson planning, last-minute meetings and chaotic scheduling. But I’m feeling good about it because I’m feeling more resilient.